The Tale of Shrekku
The Tale of Shrekku Origin of The Tale of Shrekku An epic legend anchored in medieval Japanese scrolls, the Tale of Shrekku describes the life and death of Shrekku, a divine avatar of the Onion-one himself, whomst graced the Earth with the shadow of his radiant presence. The Tale is set in an unspecified country in an unspecified year, although our Shrekologists hypothesize it takes place on a land infested with weeaboos, in the 6th century. Simplified transcript of the Tale of Shrekku (Translated by an unknown brogre somewhen around the 15th century, possibly in the Vatican City) Scroll 1: The Coming of the Colossus Fio-sawa was a dashing young women, whom many a wealthy merchant cast his eye upon. Nevertheless, she remained a virgin, for she found no man appealing to her standards - purity, patience and devotion to Shrek the Almighty. One sunny morning, she found her way onto a vegetable market. There, she searched for nutritious ingredients for her father, for he suffered from a terrible sickness. When she was talking with an old merchant, a man tried to force himself on a donkey yoked in a carriage full of onions. The donkey ran impetuously toward Fio-sawa and knocked her down, which set the carriage of. The onions fell on the ground, followed by the carriage, which crushed them with its enormous force. Fio-sawa fell into the mixture of intact and crushed onions. One small onion drenched in onion-sauce found its way up Fio-sawa's crotch and planted its seed in her womb. This was no accident; Shrek the Onion-one himself lead the way of the onion to conceive his warrior among the people. Thus Shrekku the Wrecku came onto the face of Earth. Scroll 2: The Warrior and the Plague Shrekku grew up incredibly fast - for every hour that passed for his peers, his Father Shrek bestowed upon him full 69 hours of growth and experience. Thus, after just half a year, Shrekku was stronger and wiser than a full-grown man. His beard was mighty and glorious, set between his beautiful conical ears and a pair of kind, yet wise eyes. His skin already had a lot greener shade than the skin of the most devout brogre. But, one day, his mother Fio-sawa came to him and whispered: "Shrekku, may our Lord Onion-one whose name you bear bless us, for despair shall otherwise mark this day. My father's sickness worsens with every day and I'm afraid he may not survive after the winter solstice." It was the tenth of May when Shrekku set his foot in the capital city, ready to challenge the emperor. "False deity," Shrekku exclaimed in the face of the tyrant. "You bear crystal-woven robes upon your shoulders while your people die from the Plague! May my Father put out my rage, or else your bones will be scattered in the four corners of the world before the dusk comes!" The emperor raised from his throne and addressed Shrekku: "O may the gods and goddesses forgive you your effrontery or you will not survive until the next N-Word Festivals. Prove the strength of the people you speak of and face my right hand, or quickly leave my premises and descend into oblivion!" Shrekku wanted to slaughter his right hand right where he stood, but when he drew his sword, an invisible hand held his arm, and a fair voice whispered into his ear: "Shrekku! Do not bestow bloodshed upon your enemies, for even more will die before the Winter Solstice! Bow your head today, so you may ascend tomorrow ever higher. Violence will not say your grandfather nor your mother, but it's the will of Drek, tempting you to set your foot on the wrong way. Never give in when Drek calls!" Shrekku hesitated, but then he bowed his head and walked out of the palace. All the servants came to laugh on him and threw stale vegetables on him. He had an urge to slaughter them all with his bare hands, but then he remembered the fair voice and continued on his way in silence. Scroll 3: The Maiden in the Sky When Shrekku found solace by a lake outside the city walls, he called: "Who are you, Fair Lady who speak for my Father Shrek?" Suddenly, a beautiful figure graced his eyes with her presence and he could see: it was She, the Mother of all Love, her Onionness Fiona herself. "Shrekku," she cried with her soft voice. "You did well. Drek is a malevolent force, his is no disgrace, for all evil bends its ways towards Drek. He shall tempt you thrice before you succeed in your quest: The first temptation was aimed at your pride in the palace. But you, brave warrior, have conquered your pride and made the first step toward your goal. Continue on your path and the answers you seek will be yours." "Fair maiden," Shrekku said. "How will I know when the next temptation cometh?" "Sadly, I will be no longer able to reach you with my voice 'till the end of your journey, for I must take care of my other half, Shrek the Ogrelord, whomst resides in the outermost layer of sky, where onions are the soil and the breeze and the sun. You will not hear of me until you cure your mother's father. But fear not! Your heart will surely know when the time of tribulation cometh. Accept our blessing, Son, for on your head shall be the grace eternal bestowed." With these words, she raised her hands and disappeared in a radiant flash. Simultaneously, Shrekku felt a strange sensations in his buttcheeks. Thus marked his opening towards his true Father the day our Earth was graced with the presence of Onion-one's divine avatar and warrior: Shrekku the Mighty. Scroll 4: The Search for Obamium